Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
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