Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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