Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
