oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
