i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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