My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
