Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
