do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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