I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
