Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
