I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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