I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
