the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
