I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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