I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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