took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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