If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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