dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
