Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
