i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
