i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You are the jesus of drinking
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
