Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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