every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They took my balls.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
