i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
