I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
