Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
