trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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