dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
