Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize