I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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