Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
my poor anus
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
