Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
