why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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