Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
