NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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