Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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