i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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