Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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