Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
