The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
