the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
