I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
