when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
