He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
