You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
