My sheets look like a crime scene.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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