i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
