Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
