The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
