Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize