I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
