I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
