yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
