the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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