It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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