what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It's never too late to be topless.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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