you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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