i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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